Ask any pregnant woman and I am pretty sure she'll agree that once that second blue line showed up on that stick her life became a series of weeks marked by one specific day of the week. I never understood parents counting their child's age by weeks, but now, after having made it to 35 weeks (a.k.a. 8 months, 3 weeks) of pregnancy, I now understand that it takes over your brain. In case you are wondering, my life, since June 24th at 5:15 a.m. has been made up of a series of Mondays - each one with its own meaning and milestone (we'll get to that at a later date). Lately each Monday has become a celebration of the final countdown in our journey, bittersweet, yet thrilling at the same time.
For most of my life I've really believed that "success is a journey, not a destination." However, at this time in my life I am realizing that, success is both the journey AND the destination.
Keeping all of this in mind I've even been gracious enough to give him an approved window of time letting him know he is more than welcome to come after February 6th (39 weeks) but before February 20th (41 weeks). Although at this time I am in no hurry for him to make his appearance, I have reminded the munchkin that this is not an open-ended lease, rather it is a month-to-month lease and Mommy will need her body back pretty soon. That being said, for right now I like him where he is as I realize that is probably the last stretch of time in my life where I have my amazing husband all to myself and I can be sure that my son has everything he needs, I know exactly where he is and what he is doing and I know he is safe (again, we'll discuss this topic at another time).
I honestly cannot even begin to tell you (and I promise not to try) how much I've learned in the past 35 weeks or how guilty I've felt for being an absolute failure at keeping either a pregnancy journal or updating this blog to document this journey. So, in an attempt to asuage my guilt and sense of failing my child before he is even born I am committing as of today to posting something each day for the next 36 days or at least until the little man decides to make his appearance. Yes, most of these blog posts will be about pregnancy as that is all I have going on right now (again, another topic, another time), but I hope they'll each include something interesting beyond my simple observations and experiences during this journey and maybe, just maybe, you'll get a good laugh or maybe even a good cry out of it. Don't say you were not warned. Proceed with caution.
Letter to Baby Hagan Dier from Mom, handwritten December 15, 2012 - thanks to our doula Lauren Cardwell for asking us to write a letter to our baby & for supporting us through this entire process from birth education, the decision to go natural to our detours along the way. She will be there with us regardless of how the childbirth process proceeds, she is amazing and you need to know her!
Dear Baby Hagan Dier (sorry, we don't want to name you until we meet you, only seems fair and although you will technically be a "Dier" you'll have "Hagan" in your name and always have the option of hyphenating down the road - smile, but I digress),
Writing this today comes at a very strange time in our journey together as I've been pretty sick over the past week and unable to shake the bugs that have attacked me due to carrying you. However, I would not trade it for the world. With only 10 weeks to go, 9 weeks now, I got a little cocky. I think your Dad and I both did. In fact, I overheard him the weekend before I caught the cold bug bragging about how great the pregnancy has been and how lucky we've been so far. In truth, we have been very lucky - lucky to get pregnant with you just as we started trying (gross to you I am sure), lucky that you've been healthy and have all of your fingers and toes, and lucky to have each other to share the pregnancy journey with.
It really does fly by, those 40 weeks (10 months, not really 9), but drag at the same time as we are both anxious to meet you and see who you look like - do you have hair? will you be tall or short? blonde or brunette? will you have your Dad's gorgeous blue eyes or the Dier nose? Only time will tell.
Your father and I have been together for over 14 years by now, we were just wee ones when we got together, but that is for another time, and we are ready to add another member to our party. We've had an amazing adventure so far and are both committed to making your life one that is interesting and full of love and laughter. We may not always like each other, but we always love each other and I am sure you'll feel the same way about us and we'll, at times, feel the same way about you. However, you will always be our son and we will always be here for you no matter what the world throws our way.
Your Dad and I were lucky to have parents who raised us to forgive, give, care and relish the good times. Our parents are not perfect (shh, don't tell them) and sometimes I wonder how we all survived our teenage years, but they did teach us both how we want to raise a family and of course, a few things we want to do differently. You will find that your grandparents are different from us and I am sure one day you'll find you are different from us. My hope is that the day you decide to partner with another and if you decide to bring a child into the world you look at our family and your parents' relationship and think "that is what I want - we had so much fun." That, as simple as it is, is my primary mission in raising you.
I know I won't be a perfect mother, but I promise I am going to do my best to be a good one and put you in a position that you can do anything you dream. As for your Dad, I honestly don't know where to start except from the point that you are an incredibly lucky boy and I am an incredibly lucky woman to have him in our lives. The one consistent thing I've heard during the fourteen years your father and I have been together is "Zach is going to be a great Dad" and I totally believe it.
To put it into perspective, during our wedding in New Orleans (November 13, 2004) we wrote and recited our own vows and your Dad promised to "be the best husband ever" and after seven years of marriage and almost eight months of pregnancy I can say he is well on his way. Your Dad is one of the most caring, compassionate and funny people I've ever known. It does not hurt that he's also one of the most intelligent people I've ever met and a damn fine Scrabble player. Your Dad is loyal and loving and I truly hope you take after him in so many ways.
Our time with you during this pregnancy has been exciting and sobering and has given me a chance to really reflect on the many reasons your Dad and I make a good team. Thank you for that and for the opportunity to be your Mom - I hope you find we are a good choice for parents and if nothing else, we are going to have some fun! Let the adventures begin little one.
Love Always,
Your Mom
Tomorrow - waiting for the other shoe to drop and how "baby drama" puts everything in perspective
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